To the citizens of the United States of America from Elizabeth II, Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen of the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Belize, Antigua and Barbuda, and Saint Kitts and Nevis:
In light of your present failure to manage yourselves financially and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and therefore not to be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler – a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
10. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
11. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
12. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
13. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
(source inconnue)
Réponse des rédacteurs du Mot Juste à la Reine d'Angleterre :
Votre Majesté
Nous ne sommes ni citoyens des États-Unis d'Amérique, ni ressortissants du Royaume-Uni (ni non plus de Papouasie-Nouvelle-Guinée, des Îles Salomon, de Tuvalu, de Sainte-Lucie ou de tout autre territoire ou possession d'au-delà des mers), si bien que le statut juridique ou politique des États-Unis nous indiffère. Nous voudrions seulement demander à la Grande-Bretagne de ne pas attaquer la Maison Blanche, comme elle l'a fait il y a quelque deux cents ans, car nous préparons actuellement une visite guidée des hauts-lieux de Washington D.C. Nous souhaitons aussi que soient sauvegardés les bâtiments conçus par Pierre Charles L'Enfant, eu égard au mal que nous avons eu à rédiger récemment un article à ce sujet. Donc, pour le cas où vous auriez l'intention de révoquer l'indépendance des États-Unis, nous nous permettons de vous recommander d'employer la méthode douce.
Quoi qu'il en soit, nous vous remercions de votre message que nous ne manquerons pas de transmettre au Sous-secrétaire au Commonwealth de Monsieur Obama.
Nous prions Votre Majesté d'accepter les assurances de notre très respectueuse considération.
Jean Leclercq Jonathan Goldberg
Note linguistique :
L'usage correct de l'anglais s'appelle Queen's English (ou King's English, quand c'est un roi qui règne sur le Royaume-Uni). Wikipedia donne comme synonymes de Queen's (or King's) English, les expressions: received prononciation, Oxford English et BBC English. Mais, pour autant que je sache, l'expression Queen's English ne se réfère pas uniquement à la prononciation, mais à l'usage général de l'anglais dans tous ses aspects. En outre, l'Université d'Oxford est devenue beaucoup moins élitiste que par le passé, et la British Broadcasting Corporation, l'organe public de production et de diffusion de programmes de radio-télévision, emploie d'ores et déjà des speakers et présentateurs qui parlent avec différents accents qui trahissent leur origine locale en Grande-Bretagne ou même celle de certains pays comme l’Inde et l’Australie. À l'heure de la « mondialisation » de la langue anglaise, il semble que la prononciation de la Reine (et d’autres membres de la famille royale qui parlent comme s’ils avaient une pomme de terre dans la bouche) est plus hors du commun que jamais en regard de l’anglais parlé par ses sujets.
J. G.
Lecture suppleméntaire :
Le pluriel de majesté – si vous devenez un jour roi ou reine, vous devrez savoir « noussoyer »
Jubilé de diamant de la reine de la Grande-Bretagne
